When I first started this work, I expected not to learn much. It seemed pretty obvious what this was all about. Turns out I was wrong. I thought that, as a woman, I’d learn a lot about men. Alas, I was wrong again. (Turns out I’m wrong a lot.) What I actually learned was a lot about relationships, something I never expected.
Over the years, I’ve spent time with men from every walk of life imaginable: CEOs, engineers, business owners, doctors, pilots, retirees, husbands, fathers, and men who are still trying to figure out what they want to be when they grow up. I’ve had thousands of conversations, heard countless stories, celebrated successes, and occasionally sat with someone through one of the hardest chapters of their life.
And somewhere along the way, a few things became impossible not to notice.
The first is that nobody has life figured out.
When we’re young, we tend to believe that successful people eventually reach a point where everything makes sense. Then you grow up and realize everyone is still making it up as they go. Some of the most accomplished men I’ve ever met still worry about whether they’re making the right decisions, whether they’re good fathers, whether they’re spending enough time with the people they love, and what their future will look like.
Success may solve some problems, but it doesn’t make you immune to being human.
The second thing I learned is that most people aren’t looking for admiration nearly as much as they’re looking for acceptance.
There is a difference. Admiration says, “Look at everything I’ve accomplished.” Acceptance says, “You don’t have to accomplish anything right now.”
For a few hours, many of the men I spend time with get to put down the titles, responsibilities, and expectations that follow them everywhere else. They don’t have to be impressive. They don’t have to perform. They don’t have to solve anyone’s problems.
They can simply exist.
And that brings me to another lesson: what people crave most is often surprisingly simple.
I think there is a common assumption that men seek out experiences like this because they’re chasing excitement. In my experience, many are actually chasing peace. They want a place where they can escape for a little while. No emails. No deadlines. No decisions. No pressure. Just a chance to exhale.
The older I get, the more responsibilities and titles I seem to collect. The idea of simply escaping for a little while and having time to unwind is something I think all of us are searching for.
Another thing that surprised me is how relationships are usually built.
Movies make us think relationships are created through grand gestures and dramatic moments. In reality, most meaningful relationships are built through small things repeated over time. Remembering a story someone told you months ago. Asking about a child who was applying to college. Following up after a surgery. Celebrating a promotion. Checking in after a difficult loss.
The strongest connections I’ve experienced in my life, both personal and professional, were almost never built in a single moment. They were built through hundreds of tiny moments that quietly accumulated over time.
And perhaps the biggest lesson of all is that most people just want to be understood. Not fixed. Not judged. Just understood. For all the things that make us different, I have found that people are remarkably similar at their core. We want to feel valued. We want to feel seen. We want to know that who we are is enough.
I never expected this work to teach me any of that. I thought I was going to learn about men. Instead, I learned a little more about being human.
💗Charlotte