You know that joke people make? “If I die unexpectedly, delete my browser history.” For years, I assumed that was because people were hiding something scandalous. Then I became an adult. Now I just don’t want anyone to think I was losing my mind.
If someone opened my search history without any context, they would probably conclude that I had spent my final years somewhere between a chemistry lab, a veterinary clinic, and one minor inconvenience away from completely unraveling. Some recent highlights include:
“How much chlorine is too much chlorine?”
“What does CYA stand for besides ‘cover your ass’?”
“Fox poop vs. raccoon poop.”
“Can hawks carry away cats?”
“Where can I buy coyote urine?”
(Side note: whoever collects this officially has the worst job ever.)
“What eats armadillos?”
“Can squirrels swim?”
“How long does sunscreen last in extreme heat?”
At this point, I don’t even remember what I was originally trying to accomplish. Owning a home has only made it worse. Every project somehow requires learning three completely unrelated skills you never expected to need. One minute you’re researching pool chemistry, the next you’re identifying animal poop, and somehow you end the evening watching a forty-minute YouTube video made by a man named Dave explaining why your pressure gauge is lying to you.
Then there are the random digressions that start with a perfectly reasonable question and end somewhere completely unexpected. You wonder if foxes are, in fact, dangerous. Then you learn what they eat. Gross. Thirty minutes later, you’re reading about the social hierarchy of coyotes and wondering whether the reflective garden ornaments that are supposed to discourage the hawks are now stressing out the squirrels.
How did I get here?
The strange thing is, I don’t think my browser history is unusual. I think adulthood quietly does this to all of us. Somewhere along the way, we stop Googling things like “best pizza near me” and start Googling things like “Why is my refrigerator making a clicking noise?” or “Can squirrels chew through aluminum?”
No one prepares you for the sheer variety of expertise you’re expected to acquire just by growing up and trying to keep a few living things alive. So, if anything ever happens to me, don’t bother deleting my browser history. Just know that I’m not mentally unstable. I’m just an adult, and now I finally understand why adults always looked so crazy when I was growing up. And if you happen to figure out a way to remember why I walked into that room, please feel free to let me know.
💩Charlotte